SoCS: Stick it. . .

Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “stick.” Use it as a noun or a verb; use it any way you’d like. Have fun!

Uh oh, I’m afraid the first thing that came into my head is ‘Stick it up . . . ‘ with an obscenity added to it. I think you can guess. It even sounds awful to me. I’m trying to keep those thoughts out of my head.

I did not see a therapist yet which, you can guess, I’m in real need of. I did get a call from one of the two social workers I will be talking to. There is a waiting list of poor people that need therapy so I’ll get which ever one can see me first.

She phoned this week “just checking in” and telling me I’m still on the waiting list. She said it might be “a while”. I told her I took a step back from my sister and her family and asked for some space until I can talk to someone. She thought that was a good idea.

But I sure was disappointed. I really need to talk to someone, a professional someone.

This is a long weekend here in Canada; Victoria Day weekend. Yes, we still celebrate Queen Victoria’s birthday. This kicks off the summer: fun times with family and friends! Yeah! Good times.

I want that. I’ve wanted that for so long. I worked weekends most of my life and got really tired of working on long weekends. People would be making plans and ask me what I’m going for the long weekend; “working”. Farmer’s Market on Saturday. Sunday was ‘volunteer’. ha! then “Its a holiday Monday! Where are you? There’s so much work to be done!”

Well, now I’m retired. I have weekends off. I can get together with people and have fun times now. Can’t I? I’m trying!

I’ll tell you one good thing about this weekend. Back in the winter I had a tree trimmed so I could get my garden back that was getting too much shade. I am starting a new perennial butterfly garden. There is a whole swath of a planting bed I had covered in black plastic to kill the weeds. I’m looking for perennials that are drought resistant, hardy and attract butterflies.

Now when I wake up in the morning I can feel excited to work on my new garden: something to look forward to. I have that underlying feeling of amazement that whoever looks after me drew a line through time and got this garden started back in the winter. It strengthens my faith.

I trust my gut feelings. I trust my inner guidance. Crazy-making is now called gaslighting and its real! Don’t let anyone tell you what you KNOW you are experiencing is in your imagination.

Just say , “Stick it __ ____ ___!” Yeah, I’m CRAZY! Better keep away! I might just blow up for no apparent reason!

See what I mean? I need therapy.

SoCS: overdue

Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “starts with over.” Find a word that starts with “over” and use it for your prompt.

I am long overdue for some counseling. Two weeks ago I wrote about having access to free counseling from my health center but I might have to wait a couple of weeks because there is a waiting list. Its been a couple of weeks. I was so hoping to hear something yesterday but not yet.

I can’t imagine doing that job; talking to people who are having mental health problems all day long and then look at the waiting list. You have to be a special kind of person which I am not. I would be drowning in all their sorrows.

Yessiree, I’m long overdue for help sorting out some issues. I have been to counseling in the past. Many years ago, when I was still married, I got help in an abused women’s shelter. I was learning about emotional abuse and how it was affecting me. I didn’t take her advice; I stayed with my husband because I thought he could be fixed. He didn’t hit me: that’s how low my bar was. They don’t change. No one is going to change what works for them.

I should have been going before this. Those of you who live alone (and some who don’t) know how difficult the pandemic was. Day after day of being alone for long periods of time is crazy-making. Even me, who likes to be alone and living on my own, went completely crazy. Yes, that’s the term. It did help when we got some zoom things going; at least I had some contact with people.

A lot of the issues I’m dealing with are not new. They have been dredged up from the past. Same ol’, same ol’. And that’s why I so desperately need to talk to someone who can help me sort it out. It runs around and around in my head.

I did take one step and that was tell my sister and her family that I needed some space until I talk to a therapist. I have tried so many times to explain how I feel but it only gets worse. Now I’m so frustrated and angry I can’t muster up pleasant conversation. Ew, pee-you, I’ve had so much shit dumped on me I am stinky! Yuck, who wants to be around that? Not me!

Having that space has given me some peace although it won’t solve anything. In the meantime I’m keeping busy. I washed and water-proofed my deck, got 2 yards of mulch for the shrub beds. Starting to plant my new butterfly garden. Had some dental work done, got my blood work done, snow tires off (“sounds like you need new wheel bearings.” always something.) Started mowing my lawn in sections, I’ll do some more today. I just do what I can do until I can’t do no more. Every single thing by myself then pat myself on the back.

I’m long overdue for some happiness, overdue for some fun, overdue for a genuine hug, overdue for some real conversation, overdue for some counselling! I can’t wait to talk to someone!

SoCS: throwing in the towel

Your prompt for #JusJoJan the 28th and Stream of Consciousness Saturday is: “throw in the towel.” Use the phrase “throw in the towel” somewhere in your post.

Am I sensing a theme here? Could it be SAD? I know its been underlaying feeling in my efforts to keep my head above water. After weeks of gloomy weather we got another dumping of snow. At first I was happy we were getting snow because I will take sun and snow over wet gloom any day. I was looking forward to getting outside, get some fresh air and shoveling.

One push of the shovel dampened my enthusiasm in a hurry. It was about 10″ deep, wet and heavy. I couldn’t even push it off the deck, I had to start at the bottom and work my way up. The sidewalk up to the house was difficult so by the time I got to my driveway I knew I had to throw in the towel. Admit defeat.

Fortunately there is a man down the road who has a snow blower and actually likes to help. He won’t take money or cannabis. He has to load the thing onto his truck, drive it down and he does a great job. I appreciate him so much. I don’t hear “Do you need any help?” very often as in almost never. There are no young guys plowing driveways anymore. There are companies that want a seasonal contract.

He couldn’t come until the next day but I was OK with that. He came in the morning. . . I saw a big cloud of snow coming down the driveway and when he got down here he had a cigarette hanging out of his mouth. LOL! I don’t see how it could have been lit.

I still had to dig out my car, shovel out my 3-point turn and back my car into my parking spot. While shoveling the handle broke off. I Macgyvered it with duct tape and did not throw in the towel. My car was parked to the side of the driveway because I had a professional tree trimmer in the day before. That way he could back his truck and trailer right into my back yard.

That’s a Segway to telling you about the tree trimer. And I have photos! I have this beautiful Butternut tree. I know its a Butternut because my ex husband gave it to the guy who built this place; my niece’s husband. Besides our beekeeping/ honey business we also sold nut trees.

Thirty years later and now I own this place and the Butternut tree. I have watched it shade out my garden earlier and earlier and now its about 2:00 in the aft. Well, not now. I decided to hire a professional tree trimmer. I almost choked when he told me how much it would cost but I really want that garden back. Its a major part of my mental health! I had the money in my savings so I did it. I’m happy and excited about my garden again.

There’s a photo below the SOCS cover. Of course it was dark and dreary. The guy in the photo up in the tree is taking that whole trunk out, piece by piece, firewood size. They took a trailer load of slash away. I really understand why it costs so much when you see what they do!

Last night we got more snow but not much and it looks light. This place is a lot of work for a 70 yr old but I’m not throwing the towel yet.

SoCS: addiction

our Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “dict.” Find a word that contains “dict” and use it in your post. 

In the past couple of months I’ve known two people who died from drug overdoses. Or I should say I know two people who lost their children to drug addiction.

The addictions caused by cocaine and heroin PALE in comparison to what the drug companies have unleased on our society and were so freely prescribed by doctors. These drugs change the brain and are next to impossible to get off of. One needs a whole lot of support from family and society and unfortunately, those who fall victim very rarely have any support.

I watched “Take Your Pills Xanax” on Netflix and was astounded at how many people are on drugs for depression and anxiety. And, again. how freely they are prescribed.

But what I want to talk about is cannabis. One might say don’t replace one drug with another. Well, I say ‘yes’. Here is a drug that has been used safely throughout history until the governments decided it should be lumped in with narcotics. It was considered medicine for centuries. It became a drug as dangerous as heroin in the public mind.

I’ve always loved smoking cannabis. During the years when it was illegal, I chided myself for being an addict. Something I had to hide and be afraid of being caught. Telling myself I’m not as good as other people because I “do drugs”. I quit for 12 years. And I missed it for 12 years. Never missed alcohol; always happy I gave that up early in life,

So I went back to smoking it and feeling guilty, like I was a degenerate while everyone else in the world raised their glasses.

But I don’t feel that way anymore. I feel bad that so many people were prescribed these drugs by their doctors and ended up even committing suicide! They are finding the first drugs they prescribed for depression actually gave people suicidal thoughts! And yet they kept prescribing it due to greed, lack of information or caring. But these drugs are from the doctor so they’re OK.

If you are lucky enough to be high on life then good for you! You are the very lucky minority. I envy you! And don’t start using anything except exercise to feel good.

I’m retired, I grow my own pot. I became somewhat of an expert growing pot back when it was illegal and the people I had to buy from drove me to quit! No one is adversely affected by my ‘addiction’. I have fun! I hear seniors complain all the time about insomnia and I have to bite my tongue. Meanwhile, I make a cannabis infused coconut oil. When I know my brain is chewing on something and won’t STFU, I take a spoon of that, have a wonderful sleep and still wake up at 6 (damn) 30 in the morning!

So I wonder; instead of making recovering addicts white-knuckle it through life, or put them on a pill they have to take everyday anyway, maybe they should take closer look at cannabis.

Side effects include; sleeping well, good appetite, contentment, love of nature. The stereotype is that we do nothing. Today I’m finishing up a sewing project and bringing in my Christmas tree. I woke up at 6 (damn) 30 and was excited about my day. And, hallelujah! we have sunshine today. Its been very gloomy lately.

Its time to remove the stigma that cannabis has had in the past. Take a closer look and listen to people trying to tell doctors it helps them!

Rarely Bored

Yawn. What Bores You?”  This was yesterday’s prompt but I left the computer early yesterday and like this better than todays: “What’s the longest time you’ve ever been away from your favourite person”   Ha!

I rarely ever get bored but I did yell out “This is boring!” trying to watch a movie called “A Most Wanted Man”. I kept running it back because I wasn’t paying attention to the dialogue then realized, it’s not me….. this is boring.

That happened again when I was watching Billions. Every time they started talking about stocks and numbers my mind would go elsewhere. But  I stuck with it because I like Paul Giamatti.  I found you don’t really have to pay attention to the numbers so it’s OK, the story line looks good.

Chit Chat bores the hell out of me. I don’t like small talk or chatting on the phone. (At least on the phone I can roll my eyes.) The answering machine gets anything important. Texting is so much better than talking. Say what you’ve got to say and no more than necessary, please.

I have a part-time job and with it being January I’m only getting 2 or 3 shifts a week but that’s perfect. I always have things to do here; things I have to do and things I want to do.  I do housework for a couple of hours then relax and/or walk (if I’m not working of course) in the afternoon.

My ex-husband used to say “You sure can entertain yourself”.  So true! My mom used to say, “Learn to enjoy your own company”.   Hmmm. May be some mixed messages there but it still worked out well for me.  I live alone and enjoy doing whatever I want… within my work schedule and budget.

I maintain and add to my landscaping in the spring and summer. In the Fall I put away firewood that I have delivered in September. January to March I work on jigsaw puzzles to get the afternoon sun as it comes back up. Getting that sun is crucial to mental health, I’m taking Vit. D now and trying to catch any afternoon rays which have been few and weak.

Today is sunny and I’m working 3:00 to 9:00. I’ll do some vacuuming (now that I can see how bad it is), tidy up, bring in firewood and maybe do a few pieces of the puzzle before going into work.

Tomorrow is going to be sunny and I’m not working. Oh, boy! Walk on the trail behind my house, work on the puzzle in the afternoon…… ah, life is good.

its all in the organization
its all in the organization

SoCS; miss


I miss Laura L. There is a group of bloggers out there that followed WTFAIOA by Laura L. through her trials and tribulations. When I first came upon her blog she was living in a trailer in Kentucky then moved to a basement of a person she didn’t know to look for a job in Vermont. We were all so happy when she got a job then an apartment but soon it all turned bad. Recently she wrote her last post with “my life has gotten so much worse. I’m closing the blog”

What happened? Where is she? I worry about her! Are you reading  this Laura- I know that’s not your name? We miss you!

How many Lauras are out there leading lives of quiet desperation?

I have a friend down the road who is living  in a trailer with no plumbing. She left her abusive mate and was offered the place by friends who own the trailer park. They’ve been grumbling about her water use and daily shower from their house so she’s been coming here for a shower and fill a water container every couple of days to buffer her water usage there.

Yesterday she left me fifty cents.

She has a very old dog; a boxer. He drools a lot and wants to get on my couch. She cooks him dinner, which is the main reason I don’t want her to stay here, plus she smokes cigarettes.  Don’t worry; she doesn’t want to stay here either.  They needs her own space.

I remember how crazy I was when my marriage broke up and I had no place, no job, no life.  The fear, anxiety and grief are debilitating.

It’s too bad other people’s misfortunes are the best reminders that our lives are good. I don’t feel so bad about going into work tonight, tomorrow and Monday. Of course there are moments of anxiety and the little inner groan of ‘I don’t wanna go to work’ but all in all, I’m lucky to have this job and home and the health to keep it all together.

And I live in peace.

My heart goes out to all the people who struggle this holiday season. When you see them, smile at them, show them they matter. That can mean so much to a person who is down and hurt.


Sometimes I Remember

When we have problems, over-worked, poor health, lack of love, the usual things that keep us from happiness, we wonder why we have to live through this when others seem to have it so good. They aren’t better people or have worked any harder…… they just have it way better.

Sometimes at work I feel so bad for myself: that I’m working so hard at this age, for minimum wage, and tolerating being spoken down to. At night, with a big mop and bucket, I could sit down and cry. This certainly wasn’t how I planned on living my later years.

Then I see the homeless, the handicapped, those unable to work or have a home for whatever reason, scorned and treated like garbage.

The range of ‘bad’ to ‘good’ is so vast, I’m just treading mediocrity. At least I have a job, a home and pretty good health for 62.

Today I have the grace, space and time to contemplate life as I do dishes, (no dishwasher) and I remembered something, it hits me every once in a while when I have to space to think, this IS why we are here.  These troubles, this discomfort is exactly why we are struggling to survive on this Earth.

We, as souls, wanted to come here to feel; loving, crying, eating, being a part of nature, the terrible beauty that this planet is. To experience all this is an awesome task.

In the book of Sophia, from the Dead Sea Scrolls, it says angels bow before humans because we are souls that come down to the dregs and make it out again.

I wonder how my life turned out this way but it doesn’t matter. It DID turn out this way. And for whatever reason, I’m meant to live here alone then go into work and deal with unpleasant people. It’s HOW I deal with it that matters.  These people are meant to know me, too, for whatever reason. The way I treat them in return is so important; it can impact both our lives.

We could let days pass by worrying about things that will never happen, wishing our lives to be so different and miss the reason for our being here and experiencing this.

It’s not easy and it’s not always fair. (It just seems unfair because we can’t see the bigger picture.) We think we are leading this mundane, stupid life and can’t see the miracle that it is, right here, right now.

After we die and see “WHY” we will slap ourselves on our foreheads for not seeing the trees in our forest. Except we won’t have a forehead or hands……. but we will want them again…… and want to try to get it right this time.

“Fairy Tales Can Come True…

It can happen to you when you’re Young At Heart”

Today’s Prompt is; And they lived happily ever after.” Think about this line for a few minutes. Are you living happily ever after? If not, what will it take for you to get there?

Come on. Fairy Tales end in “……happily ever after” when they get married. Yeah….. that was the big goal in the olden days: get married. Look good, be witty but compliant and you’ll get a good husband. And live happily ever after.


I got married and stay married for 28 years before I finally realized I couldn’t be happy with him (happiness was not allowed) and had to make a go of ‘being happy’ on my own. I am happier than I was but I could use a lot more happiness in my life.

Love makes people happy…. let’s face it. When it comes down to it that’s what we all want: Love.

It doesn’t have to be Prince Charming: it can be family or friends or an altruistic endeavor for humanity. It can be a deep spiritual love although, with that, some human companionship is missed. Even people who find a great love in God or Jesus wish they had another person to share that love with.

I have love of family. Yesterday I was at the beach with my sister, niece, nephew and their kids. I felt very loved and happy to be a part of them. It was my grandniece’s 7th birthday and she wanted to go the beach so they took her and her sister out of school and came to Grand Bend. My niece and her 2 1/2 year-old came, too. It raised my spirits from around my ankles up to my head. I’m so lucky to have them.

(I had an 8:00 to 1:00 shift in the bakery.  They all met at 1:30 just down the road from where I work. With all the Mercury in retrograde crap that’s going down  I can’t believe I got the right shift for it!)

At 62 years old I don’t expect to live happily ever after. Life just isn’t like that…. ever…… to anyone.

I still would really like to meet Prince Charming: I’m young at heart.  Someone who thinks I’m just wonderful and wants to make me happy by doing home renovations and taking me to restaurants.

But until I meet someone with those qualifications; I can be happy enough by myself.


In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Happily Ever After.”

My Job

Tell us about a time when everything actually turned out exactly as you’d hoped.

Landing this job I have now was a big, lucky break for me. Being 60 years old and having worked with my ex-husband at our apiary business for 25 years, not too many places I applied to would even interview me. Almost out of money, my anxiety was mounting, I was afraid and my confidence was zero. I didn’t even feel myself to be ’employable’.

I had been thinking about and looking into taking cake decorating when I saw an ad on-line for cake decorator at a fairly near-by grocery store saying “Will train”. It came out on the day of a huge snow storm so there was no way I could make the drive but it had a faxing address. My computer doesn’t fax. I happened to be e-mailing a friend that day who lives in Vancouver and told her my problem. She said she had a fax modem so I could send her my resume with a cover letter. We did some back and forth, finding the right file formats and she sent it out hours after I saw the ad.

I stood at the window and looked out at snow for long periods of time with the mantra “Please, please, please……” running through my head.

The storm ended on a Saturday night, the roads were cleared and my driveway plowed out Sunday.  Early Monday morning I drove to Grand Bend with another resume and jangling nerves. I wanted it so bad; I was very nervous.

My interviewer, who is now my boss, is a positive, cheery go-getter. She liked me and called me a firecracker!  Little did she know my energy was from 3 coffees and extreme nervousness. That was also lucky because she never did receive my fax.

I got the job!  Not only did I get the job but a few months later they decided to train me on cash, also. Now I have two jobs in the same store which is great. Two completely different jobs and different co-workers. On cash, I can wear my hair down and nice earrings and flirt with retired men. In the bakery I wear a hair-net and baseball hat which makes me magically invisible! When I work at night, no one even sees me! I dance, I fart, sing along to the ‘easy-listening’ music. It’s all just cleaning at night and I know I do that well; I have plenty of experience cleaning.

Yes, much as I would love to be retired, this job was my lucky break! Today I have the day off, relaxed and worry-free; who wouldn’t want that? I’ve earned it and that feels awesome!

And what about cake decorating? Well, the main person still does 80% of it and I get very little practice. I watched her for a couple of months then one day my bakery boss said, “you should be able to write on cakes by now”. That was my training. Mostly I make the regular cakes, such as Chocolate Fudge cake, Snickers Bar cake, and cream pies. ‘Yeah, it’s a tough job but somebodies got to do it.’

“All It’s Cracked Up to Be.”


The prompt today asks us to choose one; write a blog or read other blogs.  Write.  I didn’t even know what a blog was before I started. When I found out I could just write and post for free, I jumped right in.

First of all, I just like writing but I could never commit the time and attention to one thing. A blog is great for writers with Attention Deficit Disorder.

It’s the perfect forum for talking about stuff I don’t want to bore people with on Facebook.  My 28-year marriage broke up 7 or 8 years ago and I’ve been on my own ever since. I still smart from the wounds every once in a while. It’s a scar that re-opens in stressful times. Living alone, I need to talk about it. It really helps to write it out and find others in similar predicaments. It’s like getting on top of a hill and yelling; “yoo hoo! I made it here!”

But I would sure miss the others…. I’d still be alone!  No others yelling “yoo hoo, I’m over here… you’re not alone!”  Now there are new friends: I would wonder how their lives were going.

Especially Laura L. from ‘wtf am I on about now?’.  I worry about her when she doesn’t write!

I love Helen’s sharp wit and  unique perceptions.

or Elle’s support and light-hearted look on life.

When the Daily Prompt fell from grace I found this prompt for more inspiration. I don’t care if a lot of people won’t see my post: I only have about 65 followers and I suspect only a few of them actually read me. I’m writing for myself; maybe some of you will use it, too;

There’s a good chance I wouldn’t blog for long if it was a world empty of other bloggers. Then it would just be an on-line journal.


In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Morton’s Fork.”