SoCS: let go: I wish

Your prompt for #JusJoJan and Stream of Consciousness Saturday is: “let go.” Write about the first thing that comes to mind when you think “let go.” 

First thing that comes to mind; I wish I could. And it figures it would be the prompt this morning because ‘letting things go’ is a big problem right now. I’m lying in bed at night and in the morning, thinking about those things I wish I could just ‘let go’ of.

What would really help would be a future. I’m going to be 70 this year. My hopes for the future are not ending up in a nursing home. I would love to be able to stay in my home, and I will for as long as I can but its not that easy. Its a lot of work for an old lady. A lot of upkeep and expense. Last year my furnace and lawn mower both broke down and that put me in a downward financial spiral. I worry that when I have to replace my roof, its game over.

I wish I could let go of my past. Its all the crap that brought me to where I am today. I don’t even want to write about it; I really want to let it go. Maybe when you get old you have so much past and so little future . . . well, I guess it comes down to dumping all that baggage you are still carrying; letting it go.

At seventy I could still have another 20 years or more in me. God, I hope not. There’s no way I’m looking after this place at that age. I can only bring in 2 pieces of wood at a time or my carpel tunnel hurts. I can see the day I’m shuffling in with one piece of wood at a time. If I didn’t have wood heat right now I would be freezing. I could not afford to keep this place warm with the cost of propane and electric heat.

We are in an “extreme cold warning.” My propane company has once again taken my money and not delivered. They have me on COD. They won’t deliver my propane without a $400 minimum payment and they will bring me $400 worth of propane, which is less and less every year. I phoned them last week and told them I was waiting for my pension cheque and could they please fill my tanks with $400 when I get it and bill me for the rest in March. No, they won’t. I can only pay $400 this month which I did when I got my OAP. But that wasn’t enough time to get on the delivery list. Now I’m very low on propane on an extremely cold weekend.

And it only takes an incident like that to lose my peace of mind. Its like treading water then someone throws you a weight.

I have to let go of the future, too. I’ll stay here until I can’t do it anymore. Not being able to drive or afford a car might come first; I would have to move to a town. There’s no use in worrying about it until it happens.

So I will do today what I always do; clean up and get on with it. Put some nice scents in the water on the woodstove, play some uplifting music while I do last nights dishes. Eating healthy is necessary for mental health so I use dishes, pots and pans everyday. I’m getting some sunlight in the afternoon in my living room now and today is sunny. I’ll work on my jigsaw puzzle and park myself in the sun. Do whatever it takes to let go of the past and enjoy what I have now.