SoCS: bad dream

Warning; this post is very sad. If you aren’t in the mood for sad then don’t read this. I wouldn’t write it normally but I need to speak it.

Every morning I hope I’m awakening from a bad dream but then I remember its true; Tyler is dead. He committed suicide. He was my nieces’ husband, my nephew-in-law and father to Will, 7 yrs. old.

This happened 10 days ago. That’s why I didn’t write last week. Too sad.

I’ve had a hard time because I have no one to talk to. Two friends have reached out with letters but they live far away. I’ve been alone with my thoughts for days and days.

I thought the celebration of life yesterday would help bring closure but it made me worse.

When I arrived Will was playing Crazy Eights with his uncle. I joined in to play because I would prefer that to talking to people. We played a few games then I mentioned we were going to start soon.

Will started looking around, like he was looking for someone. I asked him if he wanted to get his mom or anyone but he shook his head. He kept looking and looking at the entrance way. I didn’t get it yet.

Tyler’s sister spoke first, in tears, then my niece spoke. That’s when I saw Will waking towards us starting to cry; his face showed his pain. They took him to the washroom and he threw up.

It took me until I was lying in bed last night to make the connection. Will was waiting for his Dad to come in. He probably thought it was all a bad dream and now Tyler could came back. I think it was the first time he really understood that his dad was not coming back.

My nephew and his family took Will home with them.

I don’t know whether to share this with family or not. Why add more pain and hurt?

My nephew, Tyler’s mother and I all have something in common; we share a birthday and that is today. I can’t imagine Tyler’s mom’s pain.

I wish it was all a bad dream.


6 thoughts on “SoCS: bad dream

  1. I wish there was another name for the like button, support might be better in this case. I am so sorry for your grief. The tragedy of suicide is very prevelent in young men , but that really does not help you or your family. You have told of your pain and Tyler’s pain beautifully I think you should tell your family how much you are struggling. I am sending you love and support. I have lost nearest and dearest and will say it never gets easier but we all find ways to cope. Keep blogging keep talk. I am reaching out to you now 💜💜💜

  2. I’m so very for your loss. My heart breaks for your Will and the entire family. Seems everyone knows someone who knows someone else. Doesn’t make it any easier to know others share your pain that I know. Talking about it seems to help. To bring awareness in the hopes of preventing another from the same fate. Keep talking. Wishing you hope and healing.

  3. I’m so very sorry for this terrible loss. But I’m thankful that you decided to write about it here, to share the pain and the story. It’s part of the grieving and healing process. I’m praying for comfort for you and your family.

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