SoCS: bad dream

Warning; this post is very sad. If you aren’t in the mood for sad then don’t read this. I wouldn’t write it normally but I need to speak it.

Every morning I hope I’m awakening from a bad dream but then I remember its true; Tyler is dead. He committed suicide. He was my nieces’ husband, my nephew-in-law and father to Will, 7 yrs. old.

This happened 10 days ago. That’s why I didn’t write last week. Too sad.

I’ve had a hard time because I have no one to talk to. Two friends have reached out with letters but they live far away. I’ve been alone with my thoughts for days and days.

I thought the celebration of life yesterday would help bring closure but it made me worse.

When I arrived Will was playing Crazy Eights with his uncle. I joined in to play because I would prefer that to talking to people. We played a few games then I mentioned we were going to start soon.

Will started looking around, like he was looking for someone. I asked him if he wanted to get his mom or anyone but he shook his head. He kept looking and looking at the entrance way. I didn’t get it yet.

Tyler’s sister spoke first, in tears, then my niece spoke. That’s when I saw Will waking towards us starting to cry; his face showed his pain. They took him to the washroom and he threw up.

It took me until I was lying in bed last night to make the connection. Will was waiting for his Dad to come in. He probably thought it was all a bad dream and now Tyler could came back. I think it was the first time he really understood that his dad was not coming back.

My nephew and his family took Will home with them.

I don’t know whether to share this with family or not. Why add more pain and hurt?

My nephew, Tyler’s mother and I all have something in common; we share a birthday and that is today. I can’t imagine Tyler’s mom’s pain.

I wish it was all a bad dream.