SoCS: tenuous

My 97 yr. old aunt has a tenuous hold on life. She is dying of dementia and I mean she is in the process of dying, as I was told last Wednesday.

It was about 3 weeks ago they said to get ready for the end. 2 weeks ago, they said , “any day now”.

One thing we have in common is that we are both not parents. She didn’t have kids, she only has my sister and me. I couldn’t have kids but I have a niece and nephew. Its not lost on me that this could happen to me and to them: being responsible for an aging aunt.

Its not the same as a parent; there’s not the emotional connection. Especially with my aunt who had a great life apart from us, in other countries, and wasn’t particularly attached to her nieces. She danced, flamenco danced! and had dinner parties. She had a great life!

But all those friends aren’t with you at the end, only your family.

She certainly would not like to see herself this way; slumped in a wheelchair, vacant, messing her diapers. If she was ‘in sound mind’ she could request assisted suicide but because she does not have any mind left, she cannot.

And so we wait, hoping the end will come soon. For her sake as much as ours.


Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “ent” “ten” “net.” Use one, use two or use all three (bonus points for using two, double-bonus points for using all three).

SoCS: wrap/ rap


I bought some ‘wraps’ the other day and they are awful. I was fooled. I don’t like those big, round doughy wraps to begin with but these were oval and smaller and had fake burn marks like they were grilled. Black Pepper flavoured.

Stupid, I usually don’t fall for that stuff but they looked good. They’re not, they’re doughy and leave a bad aftertaste.

I even tried to cook it in a fry pan like a roti but it doesn’t even cook! It stays doughy and weird; its not real food.

At first I thought I had just made a bad dinner, trying to use up the free zucchinis and tomatoes I’ve been getting. My first couple of bites were ‘yuck’ then I opened the wraps and just ate the filling. It was delicious! The horribleness of the wrap overpowered the deliciousness of the filling.


I can’t say I’m a big rap fan but I do like some things like songs I can dance to. I really liked Missy Elliott’s performance on the Music Video awards. So entertaining! Its the dancing as much as the music; I love dance. The dances on “So You Think You Can Dance” that were from Luther Brown were some of the best! oh that’s hip-hop. What the heck, I’m 66; I can’t tell the difference.

My favourite oldie rap is from Ludacris. I first saw it at the end of the movie ‘Tropic Thunder’ sung or lip-synced by an unrecognizable Tom Cruise.

I’ll find it and wrap this post up:



Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “wrap/rap.” Use one, use both (for bonus points), use ’em any way you’d like.

RDP: missing

Do you ever get the feeling that you are missing something or someone but don’t know what or who it is? Not FOMO on some current event but missing that lost love or place you can’t quite remember.

Some would say that was the soul in its constant longing to return to its source. We looking outside of ourselves while what we long for is deep inside us.

Sometimes in the past, I would think I missed my ex-husband. We were married for 28 years and did have some good times and great adventures. When I hadn’t seen him in a long time, I could revert him back (in my mind) to the man I married; the man he was in front of other women. Then I would see him again and be reminded, “Oh yeah, this is who he really is.”  I was missing a fantasy.

I’m missing a best friend I never met. I’ve moved a lot in my life and have good friends ‘out there’ and, gosh darn it, people like me. But I don’t have that bestie partners-in-crime, hang-out with, friend. Unfortunately, my husband was my best friend for 28 years.

I did learn to be my own best friend.  I do enjoy my own company. (I’m a hoot) Today me and myself is going to TOWN. Not just town but London, I need the maximum shopping experience today. I need selection.

Another person would be a burden as I flit from store to store; looking for the elusive perfect thing. . .  that I’m missing.


SoCS: a pen

Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “blue.” Talk about the first blue object you see when you sit down to write your post.

The first blue object I see is a pen from my local Community Health Centre. It’s last year’s model because I recently got a new red pen from them.

I’ve got quite a few pens from the health centre because I’ve signed up for so many things. This place has so many great programs and for FREE. Just to help you be healthy. Finally health care providers are coming to realize the value of keeping people healthy in the first place to avoid getting sick!

This blue pen is probably from joining Opening Doors; a mental health program. Every program requires filling out forms, health information and waivers then you keep the pen.

Sometimes you get a whole kit of stuff. My new red pen came inside a blue canvas shopping bag that says, “Everyone matters”. Inside was all kinds of information on osteoporosis and all the exercises we learned in the class. This program is called ‘Boosting Balance and Bone Health’. Its every Monday for 5 weeks.

It was a full house, unlike the other class I joined up for on Mondays where only two of us showed up. Its in the morning; 10:30 – 11:30 which is as early as I will do a class. Its called ‘Bust a Move’. Nobody really knew what it was; the flyer looked like it was dancing.  Its playing with all kinds of percussion instruments.

I know; percussion instruments in the morning? I wondered if my brain would not like that but I was OK. It was fun. I hope more people show up on Monday.

Great programs for free and they have good pens, too.



SoCS: weigh, way, whey

I was skinny most of my life. In my 40’s I still only weighed barely over 100 lbs. (Canadians still use the old fashioned weight for our weight; we never switched over to ‘stones’ as they do in the U.K.)

It used to really bug me when people would say, “You’re so skinny! You should eat more!”

So rude; I can’t imagine ever saying to someone, “You’re so fat! You shouldn’t eat so much!”

Many, many women, who I didn’t even know, would tell me they hated me. I could be just eating a chocolate bar out somewhere and some woman would spit, “I hate you!”  Yes, this happened many times.

Actually, I didn’t eat enough because my ex would hassle me when I ate. He also had me so stressed most of the time: I later learned that I lived in ‘fight or flight’ mode for a long time. My stomach was in knots most of the time. I had to work, work, work; leisure was bad. That was the way we lived. We kept bees and worked at markets on weekends so there were no days off.

Not any more! We broke up 12 years ago. It took me at least 2 years to get his voice out of my head. I still felt guilty if I took a day off. I did it…. but felt guilty. I had to keep repeating to myself that I can do whatever I want now. I still have to tell myself I’m not lazy when I hear it creeping in.

As fate would have it; his pressure-filled lifestyle and bad eating habits have caught up with him: he has a collapsed esophagus and is doing nothing about it. He lives on Boost and Ensure. If he eats anything solid, he throws up.

I didn’t see him for two years because he didn’t want to tell me how sick he was. When he did finally tell me and come to visit I was shocked at how skinny he was. The first words out of his mouth were, “Are you ever fat!”

He is a foot taller and weighs the same as me.

I gained my weight the way most people do: by relaxing and eating! I now have a belly and I don’t care. This is the way I live now!


I used to make my own paneer from fresh, unpasteurized milk and feed the whey to my dog and cats.


RDP: ameliorate

Ameliorate; to make something, such as a problem, better, less painful, etc.   To make better or more tolerable.  

It’s a perfect prompt to tell my tale; I ameliorated my weekend and may have lost a couple of friends in the process. I cancelled a weekend that was looking not good for me although I probably did not ameliorate it for them.

It started out with a friend who had been here and said she wanted to bring another friend. This other friend told me there was another friend also wanted to visit. Then I suggested a little party.

The second friend said he was too busy and the original friend just stopped writing. The third friend wrote to book him into a local motel for 3 days. I haven’t talked more than a few words to this guy since I knew him 45 years ago. I quickly discovered his attitude towards women hasn’t changed one bit.

On the other hand; I have changed so much that he doesn’t even know who I am AND doesn’t seem to care.

It started with “how’s my little M____?”  and signed ‘Big V’. I tried to ignore it but it continued. I would joke: “I’m not that little anymore” and “I’m much bigger than I appear”. He did not take the hint.

Then “M____ Baby” started. And very little discussion about what he had planned this weekend. We are totally different, totally different lifestyles and I do not know what he expects. For instance; when it was more people, I said they could cook meat outside but I don’t have a BBQ.  Nothing. No word about if he’s going to do that or eat in restaurants or expects me to cook him vegetarian while he makes fun of it: his short e-mails were superficial and demeaning: subtle put-downs.

Still no word from my original ‘friend’. I would do this weekend if she came but her lack of response told me she probably will not.

I wrote a fairly long, newsy e-mail to the guy so I could politely inject, “please don’t call me Baby, I really don’t like it.”

He had already made fun of my long letters (trying to get some information) and said, “We’ll talk closer to when I’m coming.” instead of telling me a damn thing.  This time he just responded, “Is that all you have to say?”  making fun of my long letter.

I did not respond, I stewed over it for a couple of days. I tried to reach my first friend again, “Do you want to come or not?” No response.

The next morning I cancelled the guy. I also went to the motel and paid the fee they wanted for cancelling. He was terse; “please send me proof of cancellation” which I did.

He may be mad but I am so relieved that I ameliorated this weekend. If I lost any friends then they weren’t very good friends to begin with.