RDP: The Smirk

I have to use yesterday’s prompt because it was ‘smirk’ and I actually got a smirk yesterday. A smirk at a time when my mental health is not good. A smirk that gives you fury and tears at the same time.

There was a whole week of emotional turmoil that finally peaked with the smirk.

I hadn’t heard from my ex husband in a long time but he phoned me last Monday and said, “There’s a reason I haven’t been in touch but I don’t want to talk about it on the phone. Will you be home Thursday?” “Yes”

So I had a few days to wonder what the hell is going on imagining all kinds of things.

When he arrived I was shocked at how skinny he was, like a skeleton. He had been very sick for a couple of years. The doctors couldn’t find anything until he ended up in the hospital starving to death. Then they found he had a collapsed esophagus and it had been that way for two years.

Other personal things had been going on with him that I won’t get into so he was crying and yelling and is an emotional wreck. Bottom line is; it was very intense.

I didn’t sleep much that night. My emotions were swinging wildly feeling bad for him, feeling sorry for him then feeling mad and revengeful; as in “you totally had this coming, you deserve it!”

So Friday my emotions were in turmoil. Just to add fuel to the fire, the neighbourhood bully had to park in my driveway, blocking it. It’s a right of way and she was talking to the neighbour that lives in front of me. Usually its just for a minute or two so I didn’t think about it. But it was there a long time.

My sister was just down the road visiting with a friend and was going to drop in afterward. I texted her that this woman was blocking my driveway so when she comes “please, honk”.

I decided to mow my lawn and saw that they are still sitting in the van, talking. Of course, they would not come out and say hi or ask how I was….. they just sat in the van talking. I mowed my lawn; they were still there.

I went back in to make my lunch. At that point I was laughing that they were there so long, as in  ‘get a life’. They had been there about an hour and a half. My toast popped up at the same a time I got a text from my sister saying she’s leaving now, meet her at the top of the driveway. No chance to tell her she’s still there! Now I have to walk past them.

I’m sure they all could pick up how upset I was as I walked up the driveway. Bully pulled into a parking spot, where she should have been in the first place. The guy slipped into his house without even looking at me.

I gave my sister what she came for, looked into the BMW SUV and saw Bully sitting with her little dog. She didn’t look at me, she was staring straight ahead; SMIRKING.

I couldn’t help myself; it just came out sarcastically; “Nice seeing you again.”

So my mental state is NOT GOOD. My stomach is in knots. I wish so much I had just ignored that message and not walked up my driveway. I was making my lunch, I should have just kept on making it.

I’m trying so hard to not let that Bully get to me. I’m trying so hard to not hate my neighbours. Trying to tell myself the old bullshit about how you ‘choose’ to feel.




3 thoughts on “RDP: The Smirk

  1. When it rains, it pours, right? I’m sorry you are going through this. My heart went out to you while I was reading this. I didn’t realize that your sister was close by. I hope that is a good thing. Glad you vented in the blog. I kinda sorta believe that we choose our emotions. I don’t think we choose the initial ones. You just get mad/sad/whatever. Emotions are like the knee-jerk reaction. They just happen. Once we recognize them we can choose how we respond to them. Yeah, believe me, I know, that’s a LOT easier said than done. “Shut up you stupid brain!!!!” doesn’t work too well. ♥♥♥

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