I am so uncomfortable with being exposed it would be very easy to get agoraphobic. I’m already fairly reclusive: it’s the top, #1 reason why I wanted this house. It’s surrounded by woods on three sides and behind a house on the road so it’s hidden from view. It’s very humble, built over and around a trailer. Some people who live around here still call it The Trailer but I never saw the original so it’s a house to me.
Even though you can’t see it from the road, I still have to close all my curtains at dusk because someone might be able to see in. Even my bathroom window which looks into the woods has to be covered at night. Just in case someone is standing out in my yard, in the rain, waiting for me to turn on my bathroom light hoping to catch a glimpse of me.
I’m always amazed when I drive by people’s open curtains at night exposing them to being looked at by people like me. How can they stand it? Someone might see them walking through their living room!
It’s the main reason I was so happy to stop working on cash and stay in the bakery. On cash you are so exposed. Everyone is looking at you, staring even. (that’s supposed to make you go faster). When you don’t have a line-up, staring at you, you have to go out in front of your cash further exposing yourself to shoppers. It’s hell, hell I tell you! The bakery is the best place to hide….. you can see them coming.
I have fought against this tendency. I’ve even done public speaking and conquered that fear. I can walk around in public with ease. At this age, 64, I’m invisible anyway.
Last night I was brave. I walked into a party all by myself and looked around for the hosts. Everyone was staring at me (no, they weren’t) until I spotted them, said hello, and found a seat. Phew! And I stayed for almost an hour! (pat myself on the back)
I could get crazier but I expose myself to people regularly. It may, however, become a problem when I retire. I’ll be the crazy old lady in the trailer.