SoCS; Shame

Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is: “ham.” Use it any way you’d like.

I’m going to extend that word to ‘shame’ so I can talk about how I’m feeling today.

A little shame but I would be feeling a lot more shame if I didn’t go to June’s funeral.

One of my co-workers passed away earlier this week. It was a real shock. She had to quit in August to get chemo for uterine cancer. These days we expect someone to get chemo and get better but she didn’t. Perhaps she had left it too long.

I do feel shame for the times I rolled my eyeballs at her groaning and complaining which she did constantly. There was always something hurting or wrong with her plus she was extremely overweight and ate the worst food. She would say, “I don’t like vegetables” and laugh. I would think, “How long can a body last without real food?”  I feel shame at how smug I was about my good health.

I haven’t heard from any of my other co-workers about going to the funeral. My boss says he has to work. I think its shameful if they don’t make the effort.

And I feel some shame at how selfish I’m feeling; how mad I am about my crappy weekend. What a shame this funeral is today.  It’s going to be warm and sunny all weekend and it’s a long weekend, Family Day on Monday. This morning the funeral is at 11:00 then I’ll get home in just enough time to change into my uniform and go to work 2:00 until 7:00.  And I am working 2:00 until 7:00 Sunday and Monday. What a shame I have to work all weekend!

Then I think of June. She’s dead and I’m complaining about my life. Shame on me.


4 thoughts on “SoCS; Shame

  1. I’ve had those kinds of thoughts, too. At least we can change our thoughts if we notice them, like pulling the weeds out of the garden. But we’re human. We’re gonna have all kinds of thoughts pop up. Your honesty makes me feel less ashamed of the weeds that pop up in my mind. When I read, “Then I think of June,” my immediate thought was about the month of June, and I pictured flowers and sunshine. All that before I got to the next sentence, where I saw that her name was June. Hopefully she is not suffering anymore and enjoying flowers and sunshine.

  2. These things always put life into perspective, don’t they? I catch myself sniping about stuff that annoys me, and even the people who tell me “well, it’s not like you’re getting chemo” annoy me (omg, JUST LET ME HAVE MY PROBLEMS!) until I take a deep breath and step back. So glad you’ve made going to June’s funeral a priority. Looking back I think you’ll be glad you went.

  3. So sorry to hear of your co-workers passing. I know I’ve had these kinds of thoughts, too, that I should have done more or been nicer, before. You just don’t know what the future will bring.

  4. Shame is so heavy. Remind yourself that you are a human being, too. I think it’s human nature to feel guilty for things that are human nature….

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