A Faded Memory

It’s hard to believe its been almost 10 years since my marriage broke up. It was a traumatic experience as my husband and I worked together on our business: in one day I lost my mate, my job and my home. I can’t really say I’ve gotten over it but the memories are faded somewhat.

Faded enough that I called him the other day to see how he was doing. He usually visits this time of year when he buys bulk honey from a beekeeper around here and it fits in with his schedule. I hadn’t heard from and him and I do still worry about him. He is his own worst enemy but still stands like a king of his domain, fighting to the death.

It didn’t take him long to start on all the “fucking assholes” of the world, this time it was the people who run the farmer’s markets, his (my old) neighbour (always) and the entire internet/wireless world.  His language was foul and his tone bitter talking about how much he hated them. It was awful to listen to and I remembered I used to have to listen to this everyday. Eventually it would be turned on me for some minor transgression.

He talked about himself and what he was doing a lot. I hardly got to talk about myself because that didn’t interest him much. Only to advise me to stay on at the grocery store after I turn 65 for the extra money. He pointed out that I could work, too, and have more pocket money……as if I never thought about it before.

He told me he lost 30 pounds by giving up sugar.  He said, “I’m as skinny now as you are fat!”  (I used to be skinny, I now weigh 132, what I should weigh at 64)

He said he was “really looking forward to making candles and lip balm soon”. That was my business. I don’t think he even knows how that feels to me, he is oblivious of other people’s feelings.

Except he cracked, there was a hole in the dyke when he told me he went to his sister’s 70th birthday party as a surprise. He hadn’t seen his sisters in 8 years. His other sister and brother-in-law phoned him to please come. He did go and telling me about it he cried like a baby. The pent-up emotions flooded out.

When I was still living there, I used to say he would rather hate his neighbour than love me. That faded memory jumped back up when he said another neighbour offered to buy him out, house and business. That was my dream; to pay off the house (we did) and build up the business to sell out everything at retirement. But not his dream; he said to the guy, and to me, “but I would have to change my life!”  That hit me like a slap on the face. I had to change my life BIG TIME and now work part-time in a grocery store at 64 years old with no pension.

Add that to not seeing his sisters in 8 years and there is proof he would rather hate than love. He never wanted to be around any family, but he’ll travel to see his caving buddies every year. He didn’t want to hear about my family at all. It’s like the love of family makes him mad.

Even though I knew he was like this, the intensity of his hatred fades from my memory when I don’t have to listen to it. I imagine him softening as he ages and maybe thinking he shouldn’t have been so mean to his wife. But he has only built his ivory tower taller and stronger.

I’m so fortunate all that negativity has faded from my life. But I don’t feel happy and dancing around; I feel sad. Sad for him, sad for me. He’s a faded memory but never forgotten. He’ll always be there like and old jacket I once loved and just can’t throw out.

 

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/faded/

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Liminalistic

The daily prompt is liminal. I had to look it up and now I have a new word.

I am in the liminal state between working and retirement. With only one year to go I can spit on the finish line. No, I don’t have a pension or anything put away. I’ll only get whatever pittance the government will give me but I’m working hard for a pittance now! Winter driving and cleaning at night, for a minimum wage job, is HARD and HARDly worth it but I have to do it.

Don’t tell me the numbers of how our bakery is doing. “It’s 96% today.” That means nothing to me. Just give me my schedule and I will try to do what you want to best of my ability. Just get me through one more summer of tourist hell to get the money I need to make to 65.

I’m no longer ambitious, not looking for a ‘better job’ with one year left.  I’m backing out the door. Contemplating, anticipating…… longing for retirement.

HA! the spell check didn’t even know this word!

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/liminal/

SoCS: Pretty as You Feel

“You’re only pretty as you feel, only pretty as you feel inside.”

Funny how a forty year old song can pop into your head when prompted.

I feel prettier now than when I was pretty. I became the pretty girl in my youth after my youth was spent thinking I wasn’t pretty enough. Now that I’m 64 years old I marvel at how pretty we all were at that age and didn’t know it!  Why didn’t anyone tell us that we were pretty?

On my birthday my sister posted a photo of me around 20 years old. Shocking! Who is that pretty girl? It’s the same with all the old photos of my sister and my friends. We were all pretty and didn’t know it!

I was a late bloomer, according to my mom, in my forties when I ‘blossomed’. Fortunately, by that time I wasn’t that invested in staying pretty and took pride in other accomplishments, like caving and having my own little business. I learned to give to myself what others would not.

Then I get a glimpse of myself in my hair net and baseball hat under blaring fluorescent lights and I’m shocked! Who is that old lady? Not the pretty girl who left my house.

The point to this is; To all you young girls; You are pretty!  Tell all your friends that they are pretty!

 

 

 

SoCS

https://lindaghill.com/2016/11/25/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-nov-2616/

Daily Prompt: Anticipation

Most of the world is in anticipation right now. Not the good kind of anticipation everyone had when Obama was elected. He gave us hope for the future. He made us believe we could make this world a better place.

With Donald Trump as president, my stomach turns in dread. It’s the anticipation you have before a job interview or a root canal, only magnified to encompass everyone in the whole world. Is he really going to be as bad as I am imagining? If so, I hope he’s SO bad the People just pick him up and toss him out.

The protesters at the Dakota Pipeline are being met with the same treatment the protesters endured during the civil rights movement in 1960’s; tear gas and hosing. With Trump siding with oil over environment, it’s going to get very ugly. This is how hard we will have to fight for our environment.

Even here in Canada there is a feeling the racists can air their views because they don’t have to be ‘politically correct’ anymore. It’s sickening. How can this be growing again?

Trump pointed out to everyone that now he is president he is above the law. He practically said ‘I can do whatever I want now, Nyah, Nyah!’.

Way back when he made fun of the disabled person I thought that would be it for him. Surely no one would want someone like that for president. Then there were even more disgusting things and still they said ‘yes, we want him for president!’

We are all in extreme anticipation! We are on the edge our seats in anticipation!

 

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/anticipation/

SoCS: memories

The prompt ‘mem’ after Remembrance Day is adding fuel to my sadness. I was even going to Google words with ‘mem’ to avoid the vast sea of sad memories stored away.

Yesterday I went to my aunt’s nursing home for a Remembrance Day service. Holy Moly, that’s DOUBLY sad. The very elderly lady who was supposed to read, “In Flanders Fields” kept forgetting to read and said, “It was so sad. Everyone died.” She did this a few times looking out at us…… still remembering how sad it was, unable to express it.

There are a few posts already with people remembering their Dad. I had posted a photo of my Dad in front of his airplane in the RCAF. He was happy then; a young man getting out in the world but there were no war stories from my Dad. Even if asked, he would say there was nothing good to talk about. He felt pain from having to bomb cities he knew held women and children and refused to “glamorize war.”

I don’t want to bring up old memories; parents, pets, marriage…… I’m beating them back into the over-stuffed closet of my old brain and trying to close the door.

I hope our world, as we know it, is not going to become a memory. There is so much hate and fear right now and it’s coming from the left just as much as the right. It makes me sad.

So don’t make me remember stuff right now and get ever sadder. It’s a sunny day and I don’t have to go to work; I can chip away at my firewood and walk on the trail. That makes me happy.

Nobody knows what is going to happen yet. He is so far out of his league he might just fail miserably until he gets impeached. But lets not add to the hateful rhetoric. Let’s be peace and love like we are always preaching to one another.

And Americans shouldn’t move here. They should stay and fight for Freedom and Equality for ALL: the virtues that so many have fought for and given their lives for.  We, in the rest of the world, NEED you to do that to save OUR planet.

SoCS

 

https://lindaghill.com/2016/11/11/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-nov-1216/

Bludgeon: let me think about that

I usually would not post in the Prompt why I’m not posting in the Prompt but today’s  is ‘bludgeon’.

It’s hard to imagine what inspiration could come of this word; jog a memory? “There was this time I bludgeoned a small animal to death……”

It’s not a word you can really use to describe something else, “I really bludgeoned that cake the other day……”

Or social comment, “I hate it when they bludgeon people, even if it’s only on TV”.

There. I just bludgeoned this prompt.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/bludgeon/