Autonomy; I have to admit to looking it up in the dictionary but I’m glad because I learned a new word to describe my life; Autonomy.
The little pocket Collins dictionary on my desk read; “self-government” so I turned to the Merriam-Webster app on my phone for more inspiration.
#1. “The quality or state of being self-governing”
#2. self-directed freedom and especially moral independence.”
#3. “a self-governing state.”
This is a much better way to look at being single, having no children, not belonging to an organized religion or community, and no obligatory ‘friends’. Often I’ll complain about having to do everything single damn thing by myself but the rewards of my labour is autonomy.
Except for my job. If I had financial freedom who knows what The State of Monicle could grow into. I could become eccentric; my house and yard would be magical, hiring anyone to do anything I dreamt up.
For now I will revel in my autonomic state of being. Outside of my three or four-day work schedule I totally decide what I’m going to do. Sometimes it hard! When you are living with other people, you work out what you are doing that day. Alone, you think: “Well, I could do this, or I could that or I could do nothing at all and no one would know.”
I could say I do whatever I feel like but mostly I do whatever thing is bothering me the most. If it doesn’t get done, it’s not important enough. There is no fear of “tsk, tsk-ers’ dropping in and passing judgment on my life. My home is not staged, its for my comfort and pleasure only.
Moral independence was shaped in my childhood and teens from religion. I was brought up Christian and went to Sunday School while my parents were upstairs in church. Later on we moved to Toronto where my parents joined a church but soon decided it wasn’t for them. They were good, moral people who taught us to accept others, that racism was wrong, to be good and think of others. They were ahead of their time but I only realized it when I got older and met other parents. I saw how racism and hatred is taught at home.
They taught me to be ‘good for goodness sake’ and not because you’ll get rewarded. Do the right thing to feel good about yourself and not from fear of punishment.
Not having children was not my choice; when I was young all I wanted was to get pregnant but it didn’t happen. After eight years of trying, I knew my husband would not make a good father and adoption would be a mistake. Now I am free from a fascist ruler of a husband and no children to worry about. I used to call it ‘____’s World’ (my ex’s name). I no longer live there.
So I’m not lonely and single; I have self-governing freedom and moral independence! I’m autonomic! I live in a state of autonomy; The State of Monicle!