Yesterday I had the chance to unwind after three consecutive days of being whipped into a frenzy. The heat has brought tourists to The Beach in droves. The bakery is selling more than we can make but they don’t give our manager enough staff hours to make more. On Wednesday there were only two of us the whole day doing everything. We couldn’t do everything. It’s very stressful.
I get too wound up. It’s a pattern of behaviour I’ve had all my life and tried so hard to stop. Having been in an abusive marriage, I spent years being worked up and ‘kept on my toes’. Later in counselling I learned I was living “fight or flight” everyday.
Getting out and living on my own, I could practice deep breathing and relaxation without being ridiculed and called names or having the names and insults running constantly around my head. I had to opportunity to heal myself and find peace. For years I was told I was ‘high-strung’, now there’s a name for it; anxiety.
I still get too wound up at work and get ‘in a tizzy’. There is so much to do you don’t know what to do first and all the time customers want their bread sliced, or write on a cake or get a cupcake from freezer, box and label it. A twenty-minute job turns into forty minutes. Hurry, hurry, hurry……. then I’m running around like a chicken with its head cut off. (Violent, but a good description)
Later, anxiety sets in; “I didn’t do this….., I didn’t do that……, they will be mad….. ” I lie in bed, not being able to sleep thinking how ‘I should have done this….’.
I try to turn it off with mindful deep breathing, telling myself it’s a minimum wage job and not worth getting angst over, reminding myself of the good things about my life ……. and just wishing I could retire.
This is why I have to use my blog to complain, you don’t have to read it. There is no one at home to talk to about my job, no distractions from the voices in my head, no one to pat me on the back and say I’m doing OK.
My schedule says 5:00 to 10:00 today but they will most likely call me in early. We are far behind what we need to go into this weekend and my co-worker has so many special cake orders she will be in her anger frenzy. I don’t blame her; the summer is making us crazy and depressed as hell. Only the students have enough energy to still go out after work and have fun. They don’t get wound up because they don’t care! It must be great to not care.
I wish I would not get wound up. It takes me back to a time when I lived like that day after day, year after year, with my stomach in knots. At least now I have the sanctity of my home to return to and the tools to help me unwind.
Summer is a bummer. A long weekend in the summer is doubly depressing. It’s a time to make enough money to get through the winter when my hours are drastically reduced. I’m looking forward to that.
One more month of this then it abruptly ends Labour Day. I love to see the sand blowing across empty parking lots.
O, Winds of Change; blow on my life! (knock on wood; good changes,only, please)