I apologize for complaining on my blog so much but I need a place to unload my burdened mind in anonymity. Living alone you only have yourself to talk to, no one to tell about your bad day. Conversations with yourself tend to go around and around in circles; its hard to turn it off sometimes.
Rebuild makes me think of trying to re-build my life for the last 8 years. It’s been a struggle. Starting all over again at 55 years old is not what I had in mind. Losing my mate, my job and my house all in one fell swoop was traumatizing and took about a year to even muster up the will to go on. But I took my settlement, bought a house and started to make a new life for myself.
One thing I discovered is that even with a paid-off mortgage, it takes a lot of money to keep a house and a car. Since I had been working for myself, selling things for so long, I tried again. I made lamps but realized I could spend all week making one lamp and what could I sell it for? It would have to a work of art to make any money.
I love aprons, always use one and started that business. Buying cheap fabric that wasn’t ugly was not easy and if I was out looking for fabric, I wasn’t sewing. Even if I was sewing morning until night I could only make two aprons. But could I sell two aprons a day? Spend another day going around to stores that turn you down. How much could they make on it? By this time the apron would be $40. I tried mail order with Etsy and Facebook: I sold a few. It would take most of a morning to get the order ready and take it to the post office. Then I would see beautiful aprons, made in China by Canadian companies, sold for less money than my fabric.
Meanwhile, I ran out of money and got a job in a grocery-store bakery, cake decorating. 3 or 4 shifts a week is barely enough to get by but all the work I can handle and keep care of my house, inside and out. Once a week I get the dreaded ‘closing’ shift, cleaning the bakery. At 63 years old, it’s really hard. This weekend it fell on Saturday night and I had to be in again Sunday morning.
That was yesterday. Thank God it’s Monday and I don’t have to go in. My knees hurt, my feet ache, I’m tired and depressed. Facebook was full of everyone’s wonderful weekend with friends and family.
That’s why the thought of re-building only makes me feel more tired. There is a long list of things that need doing here; none of which I want to start today. Today I want rest and understanding.
Well, dear Reader, if you made if this far, I’ll reward you with my good moments, moments that keep me going.
In my bedroom there is a little window that is perfect size for me to look out on my yard. I can be in my pajamas (or naked, if hot-flashing) rest up against the wall with my face virtually outside. Saturday night, before getting into bed, I turned out the lights and stood at the window. The fireflies were out and going crazy, flashing and mating. the whole yard was twinkling like fairies. It was windy so the breeze rustled the leaves and brought the scent of lilac and mock orange over from my front yard. I was suddenly in the most beautiful world. This, I thought, makes it all worthwhile.
Earlier this morning there was a cloud of gloom around me and I started to write and unload. I wandered out to my living room and looked out my window. Gosh, Almighty!
A day off to relax and enjoy this; the fruits of my labour.
Thank you for listening: I feel better now.