I’ve be plodding around here trying to make myself happier. Today I’m making sure I eat a big bowl of active yogurt so my gut won’t make my brain go bad. I definitely feel more ‘down’ when I’ve had too much sugar. Apparently having any sugar is too much sugar these days.
The extra large bowl of yogurt is also necessary because I’ve been on antibiotics for a tooth that needs a root canal. Bummer. I can’t remember the last time I had to take anti-biotics; it’s been years or even a decade or so.
I could go to ‘town’ or even ‘the city’. I have a little savings right now although I’m scared to buy anything ‘just in case’. I’ve been holding on to every dollar for so long its become a habit. A good habit I don’t want to break. I could drive to the nearest city and buy stuff…… I have a list of stuff I need. I could even buy shoes! That used to make me so happy. It’s like a little kid can be happy with a box or a ball, then a young woman can be happy buying something, like shoes. At this age, the thrill has gone. Drive to a city and shop?…… sounds tiring and the whole day is shot. Nine times out of ten I go looking for something and don’t find it. Day wasted. Seriously, I feel more like that is a day wasted than if I just spend it relaxing.
When I was younger I got excited when I could buy treats…. my favourite foods. Now I can buy treats and eat them whenever I want, then feel like crap. One night I was going to buy ‘something’ at work to take home for dinner…..something delicious….. but what? I couldn’t find anything. (Mind you, I’m vegetarian so there’s not a lot of pre-cooked food for me) There’s no joy in food anymore. I’ve been satiated. To go to a restaurant I’d have to drive to a city.
All of this boils down to being tired of being alone. I should be happy I have four days off and money in the bank. (Truth be told, I’ve very pissed off that my hours were cut back so much. Another reason I’m scared to spend any money.) Why can’t I just be happy that I’m OK and have four days off? Because I’m always alone. I’d like to go to town with a friend and have fun and talk. By myself; going to town is just another chore. I want to go to a restaurant and movie but not by myself.
There is so much work here, I need at least a couple of days a week to keep it up, so it’s never like I have nothing to do. Housework just gets barely done; there’s still some bad areas of clutter. The latest front is clearing the paperwork that’s piled up on my sewing machine. My aim is to get back to sewing when its too hot to work outside. I have piles of fabric from my business venture making aprons. It’s depressing enough to know it failed and now I have piles of “fun” fabric.
Back in my youth my mom sewed. Any fabric left over my mom would say “Save it for a pop-top!”. Well, now I have fabric for many pop-tops, and shifts, too!
See? Lemons to lemonade and all that shit. Scratching my way uphill from the slippery slope of depression.
The weather is adding to it. Cloudy, not rainy, just very damp and cloudy. Working outside yesterday, in my mosquito net, covered in OFF! was miserable. It’s the same weather today so I might as well go somewhere before I lose my mind. Besides, I’m out of treats.