Nagging doubts

doubts-are-traitors

This little tidbit from Shakespeare really struck me this morning. “Our doubts are traitors.”  So true. Our self-doubt bullies us into believing we can’t do something or it’s going to be ‘too hard’, so we don’t ever start.

I’m terrible for this; my own worst enemy. It took me 40 years to find out what self-esteem was and that I didn’t have any. I’ve been working on that for 22 years and have built it up to normal (for someone raised in the 1950’s, that is) but I have to keep bolstering it up with pep talks to myself;

yeah! You can do this!”

But then I don’t believe it.

I really want to make some home improvements but I have very little money and have to do everything myself.  That’s a better place than I was in a year ago….. I couldn’t even afford a can of paint.  But I’ve been working hard and I think I can afford some paint, a backsplash and some knobs for my kitchen.

This is where living alone, but with myself, gets hard. When you are two people, you go look at stuff and try to find something you both agree on.

Now I can choose whatever I want. I could get this or this or this….. but what about this?  I have wooden cabinets that might look great painted….. but should I paint over the wood…..?  I found some backsplashes that stick on and I can do it for about $250. Do I get the metal? Play it safe and do white?

It’s ridiculous, I know, I can’t commit to home improvements. And once I start, I have to do the whole house.

My kitchen is open to the hallway which has my computer/sewing nook at the end.  The ceiling is all one long, single expanse and needs white paint. Once started there is no place to stop; the ceiling alone is a huge job.

Then I will have to do the walls: do I do it all the same colour? Maybe use different colours?  It was easier to decide when I could argue about it! We could reach a conclusion and be relieved. Alone, I can’t decide.

Then there are the doubts that it’s too big a job. Once started there’s no turning back so it’s easier not to start.

I’m not going to tile and grout; I do know what’s involved and I’m not going to do it. There are now great stick on back-splashes…. should I paint the cupboards and use a metallic back splash?  Then my counter tops, very old white with black specks, will look crappy and I can’t afford new countertops.

I wish I could just love an idea and go gung-ho into it.

“Our Doubts are traitors”.

https://theywalkthenight.wordpress.com/2015/04/07/writing-prompt-86/

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4 thoughts on “Nagging doubts

  1. Heh. Yeah. I know those things.
    Ya know, part of this is having BEEN around “others” for so long you forget what it is you DO like. You. All by yourself. Screw compromise. I know those stupid doubts are noisy, but at least on things like painting, once I get a place and $ and all of that, I’m looking forward to painting things just for me, just for the hell of it.

    • I remember the post about your dream kitchen…. I hope you get to work towards that, too.
      I do ‘just for me’; my place is way too ‘hippy’ for most people. But I haven’t found something I LOVED for the kitchen yet. I want a ‘beach’ theme and that’s kind of vague. I’m hoping I’ll see just the right backsplash and go from there.
      I also thought about how stupid these problems are compared to yours. I’m finally going back down to 3 days a week of work so I’ll have the time to paint but I’ll run out of money quickly. Time or money…. never both!

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