Right Now

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.” — Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities      When was the last time that sentence accurately described your life?

That would be Now.

The scale of ‘good’ and ‘bad’ lives on this planet is so wide it’s hard to place mine on a scale. Some people have such terrible lives of poverty, hardship and abuse while others are incredibly wealthy, beautiful and coddled. Most of us live in the vast area of mediocrity.

It’s the worst of times because I never intended to be so alone at 62. I always wanted a family but couldn’t have children and didn’t adopt. By the time I realized I was never going to have any, I knew our marriage was not good for a child. I stayed invested in the bad marriage as so many women did.  Instead of seeing him as controller of my life I saw him as my best friend.  Now I have neither best friends nor children.

I started over again and I’m working in a grocery store for minimum wage. I don’t have enough energy to work full-time and look after a house but part-time barely pays my bills.

When I see married couples that are retired, enjoying their grandchildren and travelling, I feel betrayed by my ex. It physically hurts my heart.

But it’s the best of times, too. I own my own house with a propane furnace and a wood stove (not together!). My ex ruled that we could only have wood heat so we woke up cold, came home to a cold house, and had cold floors all winter. Now the house heats up as I lie in my warm bed. Then I get up and start a fire.

This house also boasts a flushing toilet. Many of you take that for granted but I do not. We had a ‘composting’ toilet that required a lot of unpleasant work and smell. I used to dream of having a flush toilet but that was a “waste of water”. There are millions of people who live without that clean, porcelain bowl to whisk away their waste.

Having no kids and no parents means no worries. Luckily, my sister had children and they had children so I do have a happy family that loves me…. without the worries!

I have no choice but to do whatever I want and what is best for me.

When I remember of how bad it can be; I realize how good I have it now.