It’s my day off and it’s raining. Usually I would be happy about it raining on my day off. It makes doing nothing seem OK. I can take the time to write on this blog, just putter around doing little chores and watch a lot of TV.
If it’s nice outside I feel like I’m ‘wasting the day’ if I’m not ‘accomplishing’ something. (Get out of my head, you old curmudgeon!) Some people feel that way everyday and can’t take a day off, even on their day off!
Not me. I love it.
I had so many years with no days off….. and I didn’t even have children. There were no fun times or loving family moments; there was work.
When I was married and worked with my beekeeper husband on our business, I never had a day off. He hated leisure. He would yell at me if he caught me resting. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?!!” Days when we weren’t together I felt I had to show how hard I had worked while he was gone.
My mother had Multiple Sclerosis. Because we had our own business and I sold our honey and beeswax products that I made at a weekly farmers market, she felt I had all week off since I only really ‘worked’ on Saturday. She did not leave her home; it was too hard for her so I took the four hour drive to her place often. How could I take a day off when she needed my help?
I still get that voice in my head and that little twinge of guilt but now I stand firm and argue with it: I work, I’m not lazy and I deserve a day off.
Yes, I still have to tell myself that at 61 years old: I deserve a day off. If there is one thing I like about having a job it’s the feeling I’ve earned a day off. Even though I don’t like going out to a job, it really helps me feel secure and somehow validated. Too bad I have to feel that way but it’s true.
Work at home, now, is all geared towards coming home from my job. When it’s tidy and the kitchen is clean, my purple fuzzy throws are neatly thrown on the couch, it’s so welcoming; so wonderful to be at home. When I take off the polyester uniform and my bra, ( ooo, that moment massaging my boobs is heaven) and put on soft cotton, it’s a sensual experience.
So usually I would be happy for a rainy Monday off but for one thing; Thursday I had a load of firewood delivered. Since then it has rained on my days off and sunny on my working days. This whole week you could match my work schedule to the rainy days on the weather forecasts.
It’s nagging at me just like a husband. “You can do it in the rain”
I want it to be stacked and drying in my wood shed instead of mounded up in my driveway with a bright blue tarp over it. (Why are naturally coloured tarps twice as much money as the bright blue?)
I probably will try to do a few loads if the rain lets up; three wheelbarrows loads dumped in the shed then stacked is my method. I chip away at it for weeks so it’s not a back breaking job. So I get a little wet, so what? It’s nice and cozy in the living-room with a fire going.
Then I’ll feel like I really ‘deserve‘ to nothing for the rest of the day.