I started this blog because that day still haunts me six years later.
My marriage was not good and getting worse no matter how hard I tried or how many books I read. His anger and hostility had mentally beaten me down to mush. I was struggling to keep positive and try and find some happiness.
On this particular day I was preparing for a family event; it was an early Christmas and combination birthday party. My sister was going to spend Christmas away from home and wanted to have a little Christmas before she left. It was very close to my nephew’s and my birthdays so it was all inclusive.
I was excited. I was going to get out and be with happy people, kids, laughter, presents, food and good times. My husband thought it was dumb and it made him mad. He had been quietly seething for a few days so I knew there was a big blow up coming. I thought it would just end up with me going alone so he could stay home and watch football which was just fine with me. I was happier without him.
He was working at the farmer’s market that morning and I was at home getting ready, wrapping presents listening to music….. feeling good. As soon as he drove in and I started to help him unload I knew he was in a rage. His brows furrowed deeply, his cheeks pulsing with his grinding teeth.
When we got everything in he blew. He started ranting and yelling “Pack your bags….. I’m dropping you off at your sisters and you can stay there. You are out of here! I can do better without you….!….” on and on. He said he would give me $400 dollars a month to live on. That’s plenty, he said.
This time I didn’t fight back. This time I knew I wasn’t going to fight to stay. I had had enough. I was finished. I had to leave my home, my job and my mate.
He had all night to think about it because we weren’t leaving until the next morning. But he was still firm and drove me to my sisters, yelling at me all the way about how horrible I was. “a parasite” “like a swarm of black flies” were the comments I remember the most. I remember looking out the window while we drove the 2 1/2 hour drive, while he ranted. “This is really it” I kept thinking.
When we got to my sister’s, true to his word he dropped my suitcases on the porch and got back in the truck. He sat for a few minutes. I really wanted him to change his mind but I knew he wanted me to break down, run out and plead to come back. It wasn’t going to happen; I knew this was finally IT. My nephew went out and asked him to come in….. he refused and drove away.
A broken heart really does physically hurt. My chest ached, my stomach was in knots, my throat held a cry that just wanted out all the time. My eyes burned and were swollen from so much crying. The loss, the grief was overwhelming. I just kept thinking “what am I going to do?” That went on for a long winter staying in my sister’s guest room. Although I never seriously considered suicide, there were many days when I just wished I was dead…. It would’ve been so much easier.
I stayed there depressed for a long time. It has been a long slow struggle and still going on six years later. I still feel the sense of loss; I don’t have a mate or even date. I don’t have a job because I spent 30 years working in our own business. I have to compete with young people for crappy jobs. When I’m lucky enough to get one, it’s very depressing. But I do have a home, a wonderful home that I am so grateful for! I bought house with my settlement so I’m only cash poor, but secure. I’m warm, I eat well, and yes, I’m happy and at peace.