Daily Prompt; I have confidence in me!

I have so much confidence in myself it’s getting to be an issue. I’ve had to tell two friends recently to “please stop telling me what I should do”.  I get so very tired of people telling me what I should do. I mean everything; working, dressing, the way I keep my home and garden, my singleness, my past, my future……. Oh god, people ….. please, stop!!  I’m freaking 61 years old! I’m mature! I know I’m female, I know I’m fairly small….. but I’m man-sized inside!

here’s Man-Sized by PJ Harvey for entertainment only; no messages…. (sorry about the ad first.)    http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=WuJE40OBt48

I honestly believe that size and gender have a lot do with it. I read an article about how we respond to people subconsciously; we will take authority from a tall person, especially if they are male, whether they are smart or not. I know a few tall males who are not more together than me and yet I will bet no one tells them what they should do. Everyone just assumes they have it all together. Everyone assumes I’m ‘struggling on my own’.

I’ll admit I was a wimp in my youth. I was raised to not question authority (anyone older and male) and always be nice. Just go along and be nice. I would let people tell me what to do because I never learned to stand up for myself.  I didn’t know how. Then I married someone who loved to tell me what to do and I did it, just to ‘keep the peace’. But over the years I discovered; no one knows any better than me. A lot of people get a power rush out of getting people like me to do things. I didn’t believe in my own power. If there is one thing I’ve learned for sure is to trust my own judgement. Over the years I’ve heard myself say “why didn’t I just listen to myself” so many times I started to catch on. I’m competent.

Two things changed me; caving and public speaking.

My husband got into caving first; I had no interest in going underground. But I was persuaded to do a beginner’s trip in West Virginia and was hooked! It was fun and just enough challenge to feel confident I could do it…. not only that but excel at it. Being small and strong is the best for caving. Over the years, I had to do more and more to keep up the thrills and so learned the rope work. This all added to my confidence in a big way. After every cave trip I would think, “I did that!” and feel so damn good. I was competent!

The other was public speaking; I’m on a path that isn’t advertised or well known so I won’t get into what it’s all about (this time), I’ll just say it’s religious philosophy of the eastern sort.  I used to be a speaker and would give talks about it in cities around southern Ontario.  Anyone who has done public speaking knows how long it takes to write a half hour of talking.  I really loved the writing and finding quotes in all the sacred books to back me up. It was getting up in front of people that was terrifying. I made sure I had every word written down otherwise my mind would be blank when I got up there. The first time I just read it very fast; profusely sweating. Everyone said ” very good but slow down!”.  Eventually I became confident enough to look up and around and even ad lib. People would come up to me afterward and tell me how much they enjoyed it. This just fed my confidence…. I was competent!

Now I don’t cave or ‘speak’.  These are now gone from my life but they certainly served me well. They made me the whole person I am today. Facing your fears and conquering them instills great confidence!

I have a home, keep a car, pay my bills, heat with wood, eat well and exercise. Somehow I manage to keep it all together. I can feel it; why can’t anyone see it?  I’m man-sized inside. http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/11/24/daily-prompt-confident/