SoCS: sink/sank/sunk

Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “sink/sank/sunk.” Use one, use two, or use ’em all and get bonus points. Enjoy!

I have a sinking feeling this is going to be a very boring post. At 70 yrs old some pretty mundane stuff comes to my head. Like; I stand at my kitchen sink every morning because that’s when I do my dishes from the day before and I don’t have (or want) a dishwasher. Its also when I listen to music, just about the only time I listen to music anymore! Gawd, I’m old.

I love the view from my kitchen sink. It looks out on a shrub bed I gussied up this year; took out some old Mugo pines that looked terrible, bought a witch hazel, witch I’ve wanted for years haha get it. Also ordered 2 yards of mulch which I’m using generously. When I’m at my sink looking out at my work I say “Damn! That looks good!”

One problem, and I’m telling you as a word of warning. Apparently you should never use window cleaner on a window in direct sunlight. I did this and ruined the window. It has a ghostly yellow patch where it was sprayed on and the whole window is cloudy between the double panes. I saw it happen with a sinking feeling that I had read that somewhere before. damn.

Another problem: for the first time this winter I had deer in my yard! I was so excited: they are so beautiful! However, my heart sunk when I realized they were going up and down a hedge of yews eating the tender needles. They pretty much stripped the bottom 5 feet leaving a tussle of growth on top. There should be a dark green hedge behind the new bright green Witch Hazel but instead there are bare branches. I read they will come back but it might take a few years. Next winter I will protect them with Scoot.

Yesterday I sunk a big pot into the ground and was going to plant the cherry tomato I was given. There is big pile of soil where I dumped the pots from last year which I’m going to mix up with some fresh Miracle Grow soil. By the time I got the pile of soil ready I was already too tired to plant the tomato. That’s what I’m doing today along with the lavender, thyme and parsley also given. Gardening is part of our mental health program and we are given so much! I am happily putting in easy to grow perennials and volunteering to water the community garden in town once a week. WAY less work.

The other day, standing by the rain barrel, swatting mosquitoes that are already bad, waiting for the watering can to fill which I can’t fill all the way anymore or it hurts my neck . . . . I decided to bring out the hose. Make my life so much easier to simply water with a hose. With no rain in sight those rain barrels will be down to a slow dribble in a couple of days. It makes more sense to save it for planting and transplanting as I need it.

Last night I went out before dinner and watered with my hose. It was so easy and enjoyable! I can also clean out the bird bath easily which the robins already dirty up everyday. Robins sure like to bathe! It will be interesting to see how much my water bill goes up.

Oops, I veered away from sink, sank ,sunk. I guess my SoCS has moved on.

SoCS: Stick it. . .

Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “stick.” Use it as a noun or a verb; use it any way you’d like. Have fun!

Uh oh, I’m afraid the first thing that came into my head is ‘Stick it up . . . ‘ with an obscenity added to it. I think you can guess. It even sounds awful to me. I’m trying to keep those thoughts out of my head.

I did not see a therapist yet which, you can guess, I’m in real need of. I did get a call from one of the two social workers I will be talking to. There is a waiting list of poor people that need therapy so I’ll get which ever one can see me first.

She phoned this week “just checking in” and telling me I’m still on the waiting list. She said it might be “a while”. I told her I took a step back from my sister and her family and asked for some space until I can talk to someone. She thought that was a good idea.

But I sure was disappointed. I really need to talk to someone, a professional someone.

This is a long weekend here in Canada; Victoria Day weekend. Yes, we still celebrate Queen Victoria’s birthday. This kicks off the summer: fun times with family and friends! Yeah! Good times.

I want that. I’ve wanted that for so long. I worked weekends most of my life and got really tired of working on long weekends. People would be making plans and ask me what I’m going for the long weekend; “working”. Farmer’s Market on Saturday. Sunday was ‘volunteer’. ha! then “Its a holiday Monday! Where are you? There’s so much work to be done!”

Well, now I’m retired. I have weekends off. I can get together with people and have fun times now. Can’t I? I’m trying!

I’ll tell you one good thing about this weekend. Back in the winter I had a tree trimmed so I could get my garden back that was getting too much shade. I am starting a new perennial butterfly garden. There is a whole swath of a planting bed I had covered in black plastic to kill the weeds. I’m looking for perennials that are drought resistant, hardy and attract butterflies.

Now when I wake up in the morning I can feel excited to work on my new garden: something to look forward to. I have that underlying feeling of amazement that whoever looks after me drew a line through time and got this garden started back in the winter. It strengthens my faith.

I trust my gut feelings. I trust my inner guidance. Crazy-making is now called gaslighting and its real! Don’t let anyone tell you what you KNOW you are experiencing is in your imagination.

Just say , “Stick it __ ____ ___!” Yeah, I’m CRAZY! Better keep away! I might just blow up for no apparent reason!

See what I mean? I need therapy.

SoCS: overdue

Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “starts with over.” Find a word that starts with “over” and use it for your prompt.

I am long overdue for some counseling. Two weeks ago I wrote about having access to free counseling from my health center but I might have to wait a couple of weeks because there is a waiting list. Its been a couple of weeks. I was so hoping to hear something yesterday but not yet.

I can’t imagine doing that job; talking to people who are having mental health problems all day long and then look at the waiting list. You have to be a special kind of person which I am not. I would be drowning in all their sorrows.

Yessiree, I’m long overdue for help sorting out some issues. I have been to counseling in the past. Many years ago, when I was still married, I got help in an abused women’s shelter. I was learning about emotional abuse and how it was affecting me. I didn’t take her advice; I stayed with my husband because I thought he could be fixed. He didn’t hit me: that’s how low my bar was. They don’t change. No one is going to change what works for them.

I should have been going before this. Those of you who live alone (and some who don’t) know how difficult the pandemic was. Day after day of being alone for long periods of time is crazy-making. Even me, who likes to be alone and living on my own, went completely crazy. Yes, that’s the term. It did help when we got some zoom things going; at least I had some contact with people.

A lot of the issues I’m dealing with are not new. They have been dredged up from the past. Same ol’, same ol’. And that’s why I so desperately need to talk to someone who can help me sort it out. It runs around and around in my head.

I did take one step and that was tell my sister and her family that I needed some space until I talk to a therapist. I have tried so many times to explain how I feel but it only gets worse. Now I’m so frustrated and angry I can’t muster up pleasant conversation. Ew, pee-you, I’ve had so much shit dumped on me I am stinky! Yuck, who wants to be around that? Not me!

Having that space has given me some peace although it won’t solve anything. In the meantime I’m keeping busy. I washed and water-proofed my deck, got 2 yards of mulch for the shrub beds. Starting to plant my new butterfly garden. Had some dental work done, got my blood work done, snow tires off (“sounds like you need new wheel bearings.” always something.) Started mowing my lawn in sections, I’ll do some more today. I just do what I can do until I can’t do no more. Every single thing by myself then pat myself on the back.

I’m long overdue for some happiness, overdue for some fun, overdue for a genuine hug, overdue for some real conversation, overdue for some counselling! I can’t wait to talk to someone!

haiku prompt #461: feet + flippers

Long elegant feet.

That’s what the shoe salesman said.

So flip ‘er the bird.


My mom and sister had very small feet and made fun of my ‘big’ feet. A shoe salesman really did say that I had “elegant feet” when I was a teenager. Later in life I found out my feet are average sized.

SoCS: Back to Back

Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “a song from your childhood.” Think of a song from your childhood and just write. 

Aww, that was easy because it recently came up when Harry Belafonte died. My mom loved him. My very favorite memory of my mum is dancing in the living room to Harry Belafonte. It was a toss up between “Jump in the Line” and “Back to Back”. She had a few albums, she would put one on the record player and we would dance.

This is an extra special memory because my mom developed Multiple Sclerosis around that time. We didn’t know it then; it progressed over the years slowly eating away at her nervous system. She lived to be 80 years old and spent the last 20 years in bed. Some days, for a special meal, she would be put in her wheelchair with a band holding up her torso. It was very tiring so she wouldn’t last long before she had to be put back in bed.

A bummer, I know, I’m only telling you so you can appreciate how much I love remembering her dancing around the living room doing calypso to Harry Belafonte.

She used to always say: “Now that man has talent!”. Years later I was at the airport with my mom and aunt. They both watched a handsome pilot walk by, their heads turning in unison. After he passed my aunt said, “Now that man has talent!”

But I keep digressing in my SoC. I’m so glad I grew up hearing things like “back to back, belly to belly. . .” and shaking my hips. I have met people who weren’t encouraged to dance when they were kids and would still be mortified to shake their hips. Some don’t even know how! I pity them. Dancing is joy!

Somewhere in the astral plane of heavens, Harry Belafonte is being swarmed!

Please get up and dance:

Now that man has talent!

SoCS: yes I need help

Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “yes.” Find a word that starts with “yes” or use the word “yes” as is. Bonus points if you start your post with the word you choose. 

Last week I found out I could get free counselling through my health center and I said “YES!”. I have spiraled down in the last few weeks. The death of a close friend hit me hard. She was someone I could really talk to and now she’s gone.

I couldn’t have children so my sister and her children and grandchildren are my only family. Since the pandemic my relationship with them is almost non-existent. I am connected through my sister who is really the only one I talk to. I rarely see them and don’t have anything but a very superficial conversation. I am my sister’s confidant so I hear a lot.

She brings my grandnephew here when she has him because my niece never comes here. Last time I saw him he was depressed and didn’t even want to get out the car. He’s learned how to treat Aunt monicle and where my place in family is. But I better not say anything; just keep my mouth shut. What do I know about kids anyway? I never had any.

I never talk about my real relationship with my family in my posts because they get emails saying I’ve posted something and then I would get in trouble for saying bad things.

But today its YES; I am saying I’ve been hurt and not going to let things go on and on the same way. I have reached rock bottom: I need a professional to talk to. I sure as hell don’t need someone to try to point out how I’m wrong. Maybe a professional can point out how I’m wrong but for now this is how I feel.

Unfortunately there is a waiting list to talk to a therapist and I’ve been told I might have wait a few weeks. Apparently a lot of people are still having mental health problems; especially those of us who live alone and were really isolated during the pandemic.

I volunteer for a mental health program that does me a world of good. But sometimes all the self help in the world can’t pull you out of a deep hole. I had an incident at one of our meetings the week before last: It was volunteer appreciation week and I was bombarded with praise, acceptance and love. I broke down and started to cry. I had been holding it in and trying to work it out myself but you can’t put 5 pounds of shit in a 2 pound bag.

I was told we have free counselling available and would I like to avail myself of that? I said “YES!”

Its all coming out now, the stigma of poor mental health. Yes, I’m depressed. Yes, I’m lonely. Yes, I admit it. Yes, I need help.